Appointment Overload and Other Stuff

This has been a hard update to write for many reasons. I remain optimistic and find something to laugh about each day, but as treatment is drawing near, I am afraid some anxiety is setting in. More and more appointments are being made so our color coded calendar is beginning to look a lot like Christmas!

The thought of my green radiation mask pinning me down 5 days a week haunts me. I don't know how I am supposed to sit still for 5 hours at a time on Mondays for chemo. I have received many books to read and of course will have my electronics; but still my legs will be antsy to get up and walk. One can only play Words With Friends for so long. My mind will be racing with all the things I "should" be doing. My heart will ache for all the loved ones I would rather be spending time with. Yet I know, before this is over, my treatment team will be like a second family to me.

Since Oct. 1st when I saw my ENT, I have had over a dozen appointments, sometimes with 2 or 3 in a day.  Over the course of the next 3 months I will have well over 50 more, including 3 appointments on my way home from the airport Dec 18th as I return from 10 days of pre-treatment relaxation in Hawaii. On that day, I will have another surgical follow-up where they will once again pull scar tissue from my sinuses to clear my airway until it feels as if brain matter or my eyeball will come out my nose! Next, I will get my PICC line in my arm for the chemo and blood draws; and finally, I will have my hearing tested for a baseline because the type of chemo I am getting (Cisplatin) can cause me to lose my hearing. Good thing I know and love ASL. I am hoping to finally RELAX in Hawaii as I have been cleaning, organizing, crafting, and in general doing way too much these past few weeks in preparation for my treatment and so that everything is as ready as it can be for Christmas. I have a few more boxes to mail yet. The Christmas letter is a must and will be postmarked Honolulu! There won't be as many decorations this year, but some will get put up. Hopefully the kids will help me make peanut butter fudge this year because I promised the wonderful ladies at the Rainier Post Office some when I get back. I know I will need all my strength to fight through chemo and radiation in the weeks to come; but I also know myself well enough that if I don't get some of this stuff done now, it will drive me CRAZY.

Oh, and I got the go ahead to exercise as much as I want now! My cauterizations have healed enough. They tell me that exercise will help fight the fatigue that the chemo and radiation will cause so I am taking the stand that it is a win, win. The team also says now is a good time to hire some housework done for the next few months, but that is proving difficult. And this may sound weird, but I am a bit excitedly anxious to file our taxes for this year because we get boo coo medical deductions plus a total of 4 kids to deduct!

Lately, I have had a few really bad headaches and been on the verge of tears as I work on photo albums or talk about my family; but overall, I am full of gratitude and optimism. His mighty hand has continued to close and open doors that are showing me a time of healing is upon me. As we prepare to say goodbye to our lil man who has been with us 19mo. now, we realize that it really is true... He will never give us more than we can handle. There was a time when I could handle 6 kids in the house with 4 under the age of 4... but that was then.

It's all different now.