BUSTED! Revealing unflattering photos and a bit more emotion to make this journey REAL.

Hi there, This new post will be more revealing than previous ones. Probably because this cancer journey is going so fast and as I question what REAL should feel like, I'm thinking real may be a foggy blur, and I do want to remember it later. Remembering what I go through may be how God will allow me to help others. So here goes... this award winning grin is me getting my mouth guard made so my tongue stays put during radiation... yeah, I'd hate to get that zapped! I know I look upset but I was going for Hope's "I got this!" pose. Funny thing is, I don't think my kids even read my blog. I wish they did because it's hard to really explain to them what I am going through over the phone or Skype. I'm always trying to hold back the tears and fears so I give them just the watered down facts and I know my descriptions to them lack any kind of emotion. I've always aspired to be a writer and so I think expressing my emotions is easier this way.

This was intense. My claustrophobia was in high gear but I was determined not to freak out because this is a very necessary step in getting better. The only saving grace was I had Jeff holding my hand. Inspirational music from my iPod was playing and I slowed my breathing way down while keeping my eyes closed. This mask started out flat, warm, and very wet. It got bolted down pretty tight which pulled at my hair and was very confining. I totally rocked some curls across my forehead as I left the house, but here I look bald and when I got done I looked a hot mess. Also, my shoulder blades began to spasm during the first attempt and the delay meant that the mold got too hard too fast and we had to do this second one you see here. The last time Jeff held my hand caressing like this I was in labor with Kyle...
it's funny what you remember.

My BUST! Ha! They said I can take it home when I'm done! Where shall I hang it? It is all marked up as is my chest so that they can line it up exactly the same each time. They only get one shot at this. I cannot be radiated a second time in this area, should the cancer come back. Several people have been asking about my markers, my stage, etc. The cancer I have isn't measured that way but the closest description is that it would be equivalent to a low stage because it didn't metastasize or spread; however, it would also be equivalent to a high stage because it is a type of carcinoma that is aggressive and recurrent.
Those are the scariest words I've ever heard... but  AGAIN I WILL SAY:
Yes, I have cancer but God is bigger!
Yes, I have cancer but it could have been worse.
Yes, I have cancer but my wonderful journey is just beginning...

My twinnie! Dont' Jim and I make you green with envy? It looks like radiation will commence Dec 22nd, at 5 days per week for 6 weeks. I was hoping to wait until the kids went home after Christmas, but the doctor wasn't impressed with my plans. She did however give me the go ahead for Hawaii the first week of Dec and said I should be healed up in time for the spring trips to my niece's wedding, our 30th anniversary cruise and my first mission trip to Spain in summer 2015! I love that optimism! Finances may be tight for awhile between medical bills estimated at $10K after insurance and our busy 2015 travel plans; but if there is one thing this journey is confirming in my heart...
it's that you only live once!