5 YEARS AGO

I've really slacked off on updating this blog because I think sometimes I feel complacent when symptoms are minimal and we're back to doing life the way we used to, at least for the most part. There is a lot on here from the first few years, along with some great music and inspiration, if you're interested in checking it out.
I must admit I have had a few scares over the past couple years when bloody noses brought back frightening memories, but there was never anything to worry about. I am very grateful and thank God for every day. So I have not heard it professionally, but I do believe that the five year mark, post cancer surgery, will put me in the category of being in remission. My cancer removal surgery date was October 30th, 2014.
In the five years since my cancer diagnosis, I have done a lot of traveling and welcomed two grandchildren with a third on the way. Life has been good, and even when challenges arose, my attitude had softened with the pervasive "every day is a gift" mantra. Moving forward, my plan is to maintain my positive attitude, and live as pieceably as possible asking my family and friends. Making the most of everyday, every experience a blessing. Thank you for checking out this blog have a wonderful day!

Two Years Ago Today...

I remember it like it was yesterday. The phone rang, I answered, he confirmed it was me, and he said... "You have cancer." No gathering together of loved ones, no meeting at his office, no telling me I'd better sit down, he didn't even ask if I was all alone (which I was by the way); he just gave the biopsy news, as it was, no hesitation. I've spent many hours thinking on this, actually wondering if that was a poor "bedside manner" or a young doctor's inexperience. Should he have done it differently? Would an older doctor have done it differently? And yet, two years later, the news was - what it was. No amount of hand holding or sugar coating would have changed that. Still, I get misty eyed just thinking how that 30 second phone call changed my life forever. Few things in life have the power to truly change our life forever.

It's been a quick 10 months since my last entry, and so much has transpired, and yet, for the most part, life hasn't changed much. We're still here in Rainier, WA, where few venture to visit. Several teenage girls filtered through our foster home, a newborn was placed 7 months ago, and recently we accepted our most developmentally challenged placement yet - a 34 month old who is developmentally 6 months. The names of my infections have changed... but I still have them 18 months after treatment ended. I'm on a new antibiotic which as usual makes me edgy and sometimes sick to my stomach. I have Staph, pretty common, and Mucormicosis again, the really scary fungal infection. Jeff is closer to retirement and the kids are healthy and doing pretty well in their adult lives, with JoJo just starting middle school. I still love working at my church and appreciate all the concern and continued prayers. There are days when I can forget I am a cancer survivor and even overlook the ongoing symptoms of having my sinus' altered. Recently, my granddaughter visited and we really connected. Hearing her call out, "Granny..." melts my heart and makes all the concerns of the world go away, at least for a time. Then there are the MRI days and the ongoing cancer doctor appointments that reel reality back in to view. I still get nervous. I am human afterall. My last MRI in September was clear and i thank God for every good report.

Yes, I have HAD cancer, but my faith puts fears to rest.

Be strong and courageous. do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go. 
Joshua 1:9 and: 

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. 
2 Timothy 1:7

Thank you for listening,
Kelly

Can't You Just Smell It?

A fresh cut and flocked Christmas tree stands waiting to be decorated and 2 double batches of Midwest chocolate and butterscotch chip cookies cover the dining room table, with some still baking in the oven. Can't you just smell the wonderful aromas? I wish I could. My sense of smell has not returned very much since my adenocarcinoma of the sinus cancer surgery. Once and awhile I catch a whiff of something, but not often. On one hand, that means I don't smell the bad things either, like poopy diapers! On the other hand, it also affects my sense of taste, and so chocolate doesn't have the same appeal as it once did... oh well. Time to get back to the cookies, some of which will be shared with the Cancer Support Group I started at our church. It has been great to have others to talk to and pray with.

Yes, I have cancer, but last Christmas, I was starting life saving chemotherapy and radiation therapy!
Yes, I have cancer, but this Christmas, I am a happy granny living life to the fullest and leaving soon to visit my granddaughter in Arizona!

365 Days and Counting

Just one year ago today,
That dreaded call came in.
Your test results are back,
You have cancer, said Dr Kim.

Alone at home, unprepared.
There was no time to cry.
How to tell Jeff? the kids?
No sense in asking my God why?

A song burst forth from my heart,
With aching in my gut,
That this is gonna be
The best day of my life, say what?

Scads of scans had to be read,
My green "bust" formed and cast,
While friends and family prayed,
And days so very slowly passed.

To Hawaii just in time,
Where salt water heals.
Treatment starts at Christmas.
Can you imagine how that feels?

This journey of mine has had,
So many ups and downs.
He who holds my future,
Gently carried me through the rounds.

Happy anniversary,
From this blogs' history.
Adversity is rough,
But can inspire you and me.


Thank you for joining me on this journey, I hope you have been inspired.
Currently I remain cancer free and infection free although on preventative antibiotics and anti fungals, which my insurance is still refusing to pay for. Ironically, if I get a fungus again, I can count on them to cover the real expensive stuff.
Updates will continue and your comments are a blessing.
Yes, I have cancer, but life trumps cancer every time!

Wedding, Washington DC, Wild Waves, and..............Is there a fungus among us?

Hello!

So it's been a couple of months and a lot has happened. The surgery to remove my scar tissue was a huge success! The stents were uncomfortable but so worth it! Still can't shake my infections, so I left for our family wedding and vacation trips while still taking 2 oral antibiotics and a third in my sinus rinse. It was awesome to feel healthy enough for travel and to get to visit with so many family and friends. I also got to meet some family for the first time! Vacation in DC made me nervous about getting worse infections because we used public transportation and toured public places every day. I was always washing my hands but never felt clean for long.

Upon my return, I had another post surgical appointment when they took the usual cultures to monitor my infections. I asked if the fact that I hadn't been able to be infection free since the cancer surgery over 8 months ago was a concern and they said no. Lengthy infections after radiation therapy is very common since all my antibodies in my sinuses were destroyed. They are healing, just slowly. 

However, the call I received yesterday was to inform me of a new infection, something had grown in the petri dish since the appointment. It was not from using public transportation, or even from the bacteria filled water at Wild Waves waterpark (and I did have permission to go to a water park), but it is most likely from working with our compost in our flower and veggie gardens. It's a serious fungal infection called mucormycosis. The oral medicine will be taxing on my liver and is crazy expensive, like $75 per pill times 8 per day for 30 days! That's over $16,000 for 30 day supply! Thankfully they are covered by insurance. The additional meds are made by a specialty compounding pharmacy near Bremerton. I mix them with distilled water and use in my sinus rinses. One is covered and the other is only $75 per month supply. Cheap by comparison! They arrive on Friday. 

Oh! The really strange part is that I also have to meet with the CDC, Center for Disease Control! I'm not really sure why, but maybe they will come in white hazmat spacesuits and check out our compost bin? Maybe it's also in the open bin on the counter we throw compostable food peels into? I guess I'll find out when they will meet me at my July 13th appointment when I get my MRI and see my surgeon again. 

Funny thing is that sometimes God provides in unexpected ways! We received a refund check from our mortgage company today which will cover the most recent costs! Sorry but the pic is blurry on purpose.

My treatment needs to be aggressive, a word usually associated with the cancer, but this time with a treatment. I don't like it in either case. This fungus needs to be stopped before it spreads to my lungs. Your prayers are coveted. Yes, I have cancer, but I'm thankful for my great team of doctors! Yes, I have cancer, but I'm thankful for scientists of pharmaceuticals. Yes, I have cancer, but I'm thankful for all your encouragement and prayers! Please take the time to listen to the many songs I've posted below on this blog. they are very encouraging whatever your situation may be. Be blessed!
More to come.

NEED YOU NOW (How Many Times) by Plumb (official lyric video)

New Surgery Scheduled for May 7th

Hello to all who are following my blog. I appreciate your support and want to keep my prayer partners informed too! At my 6 month post surgical appointment today, it was determined that another surgery is required to remove scar tissue from both sides of my nasal passages. We had hoped to take care of this blockage during the office visit, but it had gotten too advanced for that. I knew from my hysterectomy that my previous 3 cesarean sections had caused excessive scar tissue to build up. It had made my daughter's birth complicated. This means my body has arthrofibrosis; excessive scar tissue from surgery or trauma. Unfortunately, the same situation occurred in my nasal passages where my turbinators (personal humidifiers) had been removed as part of my cancer removal surgery. Once again, I find myself grateful that there is a medical solution, yet impatient to feel normal. I know God is building my character through this. I am also fortunate that my surgeon fit me in on May 7th so that I could have a few more than the recommended 10 days of recuperation before leaving for the wedding and vacation on May 22nd. A real blessing!
Most of the feeling is back in my cheek and my lock jaw is gone. My gums and teeth are still a bit sore but I ate nuts the other day so it's not too bad! The real healing is currently taking place around my eye socket and the side of my nose. I'm constantly rubbing my eye and scratching my nose because they tingle. Even this is a positive sign tho.
Jeff's Bell's Palsy has healed completely and he is keeping very busy painting the garage and fixing up the Thunderbird to reduce his stress from our situation. We are thrilled because he was grumpy enough without looking so angry from the partial paralysis. Looking forward to our daughter's first mother's day and getting to know our granddaughter better! That's the best post-op plan I can think of! Yes, I have cancer, but I'm determined to get through this stronger than I was and giving all glory to God! TTYL

Silent Stress and Moving On

It's been 5 weeks since my last update and there isn't much change in my health to report. Some days are harder than others and I fight to find the joy and blessings in each day. I always had a high tolerance for pain, but this long term discomfort and lack of sleep is taking it's toll. It is encouraging that I'm still healing a little more every day and I can literally feel the cells regenerating in my cheek, jaw, nose, and mouth area. Sometimes it feels like my cheeks are on fire! Sometimes it feels like pins and needles are being poked at my face. Sleeping through the night is my biggest challenge and lack of sleep leaves me a bit foggy on a daily basis. Ambien helps me fall asleep but doesn't last more than a few hours. Praying this won't take too much longer because my energy and mood are suffering. In a few days, my daughter and granddaughter will be here from Turkey. Just having them here should increase my energy, but will probably wear me out too, so I may sleep much better next week! Although my scalp is still tender, tomorrow I'm having my hair done for the first time since my diagnosis in October. This is a big step for me and I  hope it goes well. I want to look as good as possible for my niece's wedding and family vacation beginning at the end of May. Quite honestly, I'm looking a bit shaggy.  
My husband's reflux from stress, as reported last month, seemed to subside; however, a couple weeks ago he was diagnosed with Bells Palsy. He noticed a few symptoms during the week but didn't say anything. By Saturday, it was undeniable that half his face was paralyzed. Concerned it could also be signs a stroke, we went to the ER, and were quite relieved with the diagnosis. Now, with the help of steroids and many projects he's got going to help reduce his stress level, he is recovering nicely. Cancer causes silent stress to those you love whether they realize it or not. Whatever you can do to decrease your own stress and whatever they can do, is definitely recommended. Stress can cause worse symptoms for both the patient and the loved ones.
I'm grateful for my friends and family that keep me walking for exercise, shopping and movie going for distraction, cheered up and encouraged with cards and care packages, and for everyone who continues to pray for my full recovery, for my husband, and my family too. 
On another family note, our matriarch, my great aunt Florence, passed away a few days ago. She was 98 and lived a full life surrounded by a loving extended family. She loved the Lord and we rejoice in her life well lived. It was cancer that took her life, but it came on suddenly and ran it's course fast, so she didn't suffer long. For that, we are grateful. My mom is now our family's matriarch. Time marches on and we must love like there is no tomorrow, forgive and ask to be forgiven, and enjoy life! 
It's raining a lot now here in Washington, and that can add to my depression; but I know brighter days are just around the corner! God is good! All the time. All the time, God is good!
More to come.

30 Days Post Treatment Update

Well, 30 days from treatment, my symptoms have decreased a tiny bit but overall haven't changed much since my last update.  My doctors are optimistic that the infection will clear up soon and that I should see significant improvement within 2 weeks. The hardest symptom to deal with at the moment is not being able to breathe from my nose. Once a week I see the PA who will remove some scar tissue and allow me to have an airway for a few days. Once the infection is gone, she can remove more scar tissue and hopefully it won't come back. It is also difficult with my face hurting at the slightest touch and my hair/scalp hurting when washed or combed. It's hard to go out in public these days.
When something like cancer enters your life, you also need to look after the loved ones to see how the disease affects them too. I know my children are concerned and they talk to me pretty freely about my treatment and healing process. They do research and suggest positive changes. What they don't understand is that it's hard to commit to a newly regimented lifestyle when you deal with constant pain and discomfort. I do eat as healthy as I can tho my taste buds are still out to lunch and I'm grateful for a walking partner that gets me out at least twice a week. Jeff, on the other hand, tends to keep things inside and his repetitive reply to anything I say is, "I'm sorry to hear that." Recently, he after several days suffering with tummy issues, he was diagnosed with Reflux. The doctor says it's from stress. I can't make him de-stress by taking about his concerns, so all I can do is continue to talk about it myself as calmly as possible. Maybe he will open up in time. As he feels it now affecting his health, perhaps he can learn to de-stress.
A few more meals have come our way and continue to be a blessing. Prayers are plentiful and cards of encouragement still arrive occasionally and we are so grateful. We are cautiously optimistic for a clear scan next month. This will be the benchmark scan that all future scans will be compared to.
Yes, I have cancer but there is hope in a cancer free future!
Yes, I have cancer but I'm grateful for praise and worship songs that fill my head in the way too early hours of the morning.

Yes, I have cancer but I'm so very thankful for you.
More to come.

So much has happened...

Hello friends and family,
I truly appreciate you following my cancer journey on this blog and through facebook and other avenues. There are still days when I look in the mirror and ask myself is this really happening... and denial is still strong. My prayers are focused on it NEVER returning. As healing begins, symptoms worsen, and I wonder if I could do this again. Am I strong enough? Good thing I don't have to be strong enough on my own.
Chemotherapy ended on Monday, January 26th and radiation ended on Tuesday, February 3rd. Both ended earlier than I thought they would so it was a great surprise! Everyone said the next two weeks would be worse than any days before had been, but I wasn't really prepared for what came next.
The following description isn't pleasant. As my body works overtime to replenish radiated cells, my glands are also working overtime to produce an abundance of  gross metallic tasting saliva and the even grosser, burnt flesh, now resembling shoe leather, nasal discharge. I promise you description wise, that's the worst of it. My other symptoms are that my head pounds all day and night, and the 4000 mg of Tylenol I'm allowed daily doesn't really touch it, and that my nose is constantly plugged up, and saline rinses help a little, but it still feels like razors line the insides of my nostrils. My throat is often dry and sore from forced mouth breathing and the pressure points in front of my ears are quite painful... That may be all... Oh and I'm not sleeping well, cat naps is all, so I'm pretty puffy in the face.
Enough complaining. I am managing my warfarin and my INR number level is 2.2 today. I don't know what INR stands for but it has to do with my blog clot and blood thinner medication. I made several candy centerpieces and took them to the teams that have been helping me get through Chemo and Rad these past 6 weeks. They were well received and delivering them was a way of closing that chapter in my journey. 
Today, I'm back on an anti nausea med, the Tylenol, and added Benadryl, along with my regular meds and warfarin. This combo is helping me get through the days and nights until I start to feel like my old self again. More to come. 

The Expected, The Unexpected, And The Eternal

Good morning! Here's a happy little update: Last Friday I had the usual radiation and they added a PICC line flushing. Well, it played a role in or coincided with me getting some blood clots in my shoulder area. Unaware of this, I went home to resume my new normalcy... by dinner time I couldn't move my arm without discomfort. As the night went on, I tried to sleep. My arm throbbed and I was not sleeping at all. By 3 a.m. I was up pacing and exercising my arm to see if I had simply laid on it wrong, but no relief came. At 4 a.m. I Skyped with my Turkish Delights and loved the mood lift! I laughed so hard that JoJo woke up and eventually I sent him to wake Jeff too. I had called my on call oncologist and he said to get to the ER immediately. We left just before 6 a.m. and it still took til 1 p.m. for them to diagnose my problem of blood clots from the PICC. I was taught how to give myself shots, which is a real challenge for someone like me who HATES needles! Oh I can give blood all day long, but receiving has always been a terrifying roadblock for me. Well, I cow-girled up and gave myself the damn shot. The needle went into my belly like a not knife into butter haha but the medicine really burned going in. Fast forward a five days, after blood tests were run I got the order for NO MORE SHOTS! It appears my blood levels are at 2.5 and they are tickled pink for me. I am all bruised up on my stomach where I had to do the injections so it will be nice to stop that nonsense. I will still have to take the blood thinner Warfarin and get checked often, but on the bright side, I got the OK to fly to MI in May! Hopefully Spain in June too! Oh and I accidentally missed my sinus scraping appointment today, DARN IT ALL, and it was a blessing in disguise since I had no business getting that done now or for quite some time since I am on blood thinners and could bleed out. Someone was watching over me! That is a lot of medical stuff in a short stack but really, just know the effects are about the same... mouth sores and food all tastes like wet cardboard, nose bleeds and very sore nose from being dry and cracked inside. I still have some nausea but mostly wicked heartburn which is better controlled now from the generic medicine my postmistress gave me. Kay is a lifesaver!

On a different note, I was not ready to read all the inspirational devotionals or "Cancer" books people had sent me. In fact, I began to regret the ones I had sent to my friends who were going through a tough time last year and what did I do? I sent them a book to read! I do hope they were comforted by the books I sent, but I also understand now just how hard it is to pick those up and actually read with a purpose. I thumbed through a few and just hadn't felt ready for them. Just this week however; I read the book Cancer on $5 a Day that my son Zach got me for Christmas. I read it aloud and Jeff and I laughed and cried together. It is a great book and I am donating it to the Infusion Clinic where I get my chemo for others to enjoy as well.

That's it for now. I'm not sure what this day holds, but I know who holds this day. Thank you God for each and every day! Thank you friends and family for listening to my bloggy rants and updates. Love you.

Getting started in the morning with thyroid med, anti nausea meds, vitamins and Arbonne Metabolism Booster, blood clot stabilizer shot, numbing mouth rinse (also great in nasal passages now), and neti pot sinus rinse not pictured. Later in the day it's more of the same plus re-flux med, lasix, and blood thinners. At dinner time it's more anti nausea and before bed another set to help me sleep, which doesn't really help much as I'm still not sleeping 50% of the nights. 

FINALLY I'M ORGANIZED FOR THE ENTIRE WEEK! 

Some additions to my regimen. Yeah for stool softners! My other favorites not pictured are my Arbonne Seasource Detox Essentials and Gelee'.

My Jeeves... My honey Jeff

Nice to know my best travel points card is paying me back. They have donated a very nice waiting room. 

Though we never wait too long, there is a puzzle table I may add one or two pieces a week';and on the other side of the room is a bevrage station with hot and cold drinks, another couch and good magazines. There are also donated seat-belt pillows for mastectomy patients and hats, angels, etc. 

My Green Mask Radiation Team. They are kind, efficient, and hate the mask too!

JUST PLAIN SICK AND TIRED

Not much to write except to say that I am feeling very ill these days. The details of the effects are not worth elaborating on. Lack of good sleep is probably just as detrimental as the more common effects. 16 more radiation treatments and 3 more Chemo Mondays til I am done; followed by a couple weeks of worsening symptoms post treatment. By mid February I should take a turn towards feeling better. Just know that I am grateful for everyone's kindnesses and efforts. Family and friends are calling and stopping by which is a true blessing and I am pushing through the discomfort, struggling to maintain my sense of humor. Thank you for your prayers and well wishes. Please comment with jokes and humorous stories!

Hope in Front of Me

THE WEATHERMAN SAID THAT TODAY WAS A GOOD DAY TO SEND SUNSHINE TO SOMEBODY YOU LOVE

Special thank you to Andrea as well as to everyone who has sent me cards of encouragement since my Oct diagnosis. I have kept them all displayed and they bring me great joy! This latest, from my daughter in love however; required some homework. I figured if I was looking them all up to refer to at will, you should be encouraged too! She sent me a list of God's Promises: I highlighted my favorites too.

Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart
    and lean not on your own understanding; 
 in all your ways submit to him,
    and he will make your paths straight.

Matthew 11:28
 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

Psalms 91:15

He will call on me, and I will answer him;
    I will be with him in trouble,
    I will deliver him and honor him.

Luke 18:27
Jesus replied, “What is impossible with man is possible with God.”

Philippians 4:13
 I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

Deuteronomy 31:6
 Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”

2 Timothy 1:7
For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.

1 Peter 5:7
Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.

John 16:33
 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.

Romans 8:37
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.

1 Chronicles 28:20
  David also said to Solomon his son, “Be strong and courageous, and do the work. Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you until all the work for the service of the temple of the Lord is finished.

Welcome 3rd week: And the hits just keep on coming. Joke at the end...

There are a few friends I'm losing touch with since my diagnosis. This upsets me very much. The reasons vary from their own struggle with personal loss so deep that that say they nothing left to offer their own children, let alone me; to family and friends who must get back to life/business therefore, have no time to even pick up a phone. I'm feeling alone and I'm angry at cancer this week! Angry for the beautiful lives it's taken from us, and just as angry for the perfectly good time it's stealing away daily. I've been able to lift up, encourage, and console many friends and strangers in this cancer battle over the years. It has blessed me and taught me a lot. I've dealt with my own cancer denial head on. Surgery helped me face that quickly. Now I'm angry. Just angry. The loss of relationships pains me. Why now when I not only need encouraging relationships for myself, but I want to bless them in their journey as well? How can I help my friend be thankful for health and blessings today? If I could do that, the sore mouth wouldn't matter, and the headaches would fade away.
More side affects have reared their ugly heads too. The roof of my mouth and entire interior gum line, ie. everything my tongue easily touches, is now sunburned from radiation. Shredded. Raw. Of course, that means I'm irritating it without meaning to because I can't keep my tongue from checking on it constantly. At least it's not Thrush or yeast yet. Gotta pray against that. Thankfully, my saliva glands are still producing well, that's VERY important. My previous post reference to the bite/clenching guard is an expensive moot point now as it hurts too much to wear it so the jaw bone/ear aches are running rampant still. Sometimes, pushing in with my knuckles is the only way to relieve pressure.
There are blessings in each day, no denying. God continues to close and open doors for me. His presence is near. And at any moment I can tell you SOMETHING I'm extremely thankful for. . I'm angry at cancer today, but it's NOT gonna steal my joy! Lord, help me to be an encouragement to others today! This is not the kind of post I'd wanted to leave again either, so I will walk away and come back with something at least mildly funny before closing.
OK, here you go... To my childhood sleepover friends and those like Barb and Jackie who would stay in a heartbeat again!

Anita is invited to her friend's place for dinner. Judy, the hostess, serves her a delicious dinner. Later, when Anita is ready to leave, it starts raining heavily. Judy invites her to stay over for the night and go home when the weather clears th next day. Anita agrees.

Anita settles down to watch TV while Judy goes up into the bedroom to help her kid go to sleep.

When Judy comes down, she finds Anita missing. While she was wondering where Anita had gone, the  doorbell rings. Its Anita at the door. Judy asks her blonde friend where she had been. Anita replies, "I went home to get my nightwear."

New Year, New Stuff

Special Extra Fluoride Toothpaste $21 to protect from the radiation and Night/Bite Guard $300 for stress clenching that is causing both severe jaw joint pain and daily headaches. These are a few more "uncovered" things.

Beautiful Angel ornament and knitted cap and table decoration angel all from the St Frances Radiology Oncology Clinic.

Treatment Begins and it's Christmas!

Sorry for the long stretch between updates. Between the blessing of the Hawaii trip, the first week of treatment beginning, and trying to get ready for Christmas... you get the idea. I hadn't the time nor motivation to decorate before Hawaii and was beginning to feel overwhelmed at the thought of it. I managed to get the bulk of Christmas cards postmarked Honolulu before relinquishing the rest to the "in time for new years" stack. I packed up and drove myself to the airport. I offered some headache medicine to a fellow traveler, yet another God appointed encourager named Sue, a thyroid cancer survivor. Then, I had those 4 appointments on my way home from the airport. I didn't realize at the time it was to be a very emotional undertaking.

First was my audiology appointment, simple enough, a good baseline to refer back to as chemotherapy progresses. Did I mention I can lose my hearing from the type of Chemo? My next appointment was for the post surgical sinus cleaning which is always painful but necessary. Although this time, she also injected an entire tube of mupirocin ointment (already being used in my saline nasal rinses) and all day long it drained this awful nasty tasting medicine down the back of my throat gagging me. A large orange juice to carry around afterwards is my personal recommendation for the next appointment! The fourth appointment was just a blood draw, however, it was the third appointment of the day which was the hardest by far. I was totally unprepared for this PICC procedure which I thought would be akin to giving blood or getting an IV, but was in actuality a full on surgical procedure. They used an ultrasound to get this infusion line close to my heart. Not only was it more serious and involved, but emotionally it hit me hardest. I found myself sobbing with strangers who understood my emotions better than I did, better than my loved ones do. The technician spoke calmly and lovingly as the assistant wiped my tears with her finger. I didn't dare move. They already lost one site to a failed vein and I wasn't up to a third try. It is hard to cry and not move a muscle, but they held me still and comforted me so that this second attempt was successful. This was the last step before Chemo drugs would be pulsing in my veins. Yes, I have cancer, but the tears dripping down my cheeks confirmed that it scared me more on that day. Yes, I have cancer, but there is treatment, and I thank God for treatment. Yes, I have cancer, but I am so blessed that people across the world are praying for me! 

My views from the radiation table.

So then I arrive home and am completely overwhelmed with trying to get decorations up, gifts finished for the packages still unmailed, and preparations for treatment like grocery shopping, cooking food up, doing laundry, and packing my backpack with books and supplies. The first day of treatment was not without it's issues. Radiation went pretty smooth, they have puzzles in my waiting room which I'd love to work on, but they don't keep me waiting long enough. Then we drive to the Infusion Clinic for Chemo. The PICC line needed to be reset twice. It was painful but necessary, as are many other things in my life these days. Since I don't like to take pills in the first place, it was foreign to me to take anti-nausea meds when I felt fine. BAD DECISION. Christmas with family and friends was wonderful! We laughed, played games, took a few pics, ate great food! I am so thankful the nausea held off till 26th/27th... BUT THOSE DAYS STUNK! I have now been schooled in preventing nausea by taking meds even when you feel fine, therefore this week should be much better! My face is also beginning to be affected by the radiation. Sores are forming on my nose and the skin is tender and reddened. Just before Kyle and Andrea's wedding, I had gotten new glasses to match my pink dress (no big deal, they are the ones you see here); but just before Hope's wedding, I had gotten laser treatment to reduce the redness on the sides of my nose from teen years of squeezing blackheads. That made the photos nicer but as of now, was a huge waste of time and money-oh well. Do you like my forehead waffle print? My green mask was kinda tight today! Not the most flattering photo but this was me at 11am today. Keeping it real.

Waffle marks from my green mask and the red bumps around my nose from radiation.

Till now, my husband has been by my side whenever possible and friends have offered to be with me when he can't. Today, my friend and international missionary, Kristy, and my teen foster daughter are keeping me company. Even when we are all on our electronics, we take time to share a great photo or funny post. It's amazing how blessed one woman can feel just to not be alone at a time like this. Thanks for listening... I'll try to be more lighthearted next time. 

Reflections on a turquoise ocean, the love of family and friends, and embracing this thing called cancer.

With just a few hours left of my "Relax Before Chemo" trip to Hawaii, Jeff has left for work, and I'm alone in our room reflecting. What a wonderful trip this has been! Time alone with my love was priceless. The only time we talked about "it" was when I said that the next few months were going to be bumpy... to which he replied that a lot of things would change. Nothing else was said. The weather was not too hot but hot enough for air conditioning, not too rainy but wet enough for Jeff to don a plastic poncho on our double decker bus trip last night, and a bit too humid so as to keep the sinus pressure headaches going. The salty ocean waves were therapeutic for my sinuses and so much fun! We reconnected on the beaches of Hawaii! The water here is a color of turquoise that is so beautiful, the sand is so clean, and the beaches are so shallow that I could walk out only ankle deep in some areas for a long way. It was like walking on water! As I mentioned in a previous post, I thought I was coming here to forget about cancer for a while; and yet, it became clear the Lord was showing me that I was coming here to embrace it. First was soldier Nathan with his gift. Next, Zachary introduced me to Laura, the mom of a new friend he met while visiting us here, that is a breast cancer survivor. She offered to be a sounding board and we exchanged online contact info. I feel compelled to add that he also introduced me to a lovely family visiting Hawaii from their home in Australia to watch the  big surfing competition. Although I did take every opportunity to brag on him, I never once said out loud that he was still single! It was fun vacationing with Zach, who loves to shop like his mom! When the fact that I was starting Chemo next week came up in conversation with our new friends, and I realized he hadn't told them about my cancer, that was a beautiful reminder that our lives do not revolve around this awful disease! While my long time friends encourage and  help me daily, meeting new friends is a very optimistic feeling! And I can certainly embrace that!
Now, although I thought that I had seen my share of "Say yes to the dress!" shows while planning for Hope to get married, today as I sit here with the tv just playing... it's that show again. The first of 2 episodes featured a bride to be who just lost her mother to cancer the day after her engagement, which was the last thing hey mom heard. This was followed by a bride who brought her fiance to help pick out her dress because just weeks after their proposal, she was diagnosed with cancer and has spent the last year fighting it with him right by her side. Both were touching stories, but what were the odds? There seems to be a theme of encouragement, compassion, and testimonials of strength and healing that is spreading around when even strangers meet. Time to make sure my Christmas cards get postmarked from Honolulu! There are now 4 appointments I must go to tomorrow afternoon on my way home from the airport, and 4 days till treatment commences! More to come...

Joyful Wreckless Abandon

The diagnosis of cancer, and I suspect of any life altering illness, can catapult people into bottomless depression or joyful wreckless abandon. I am choosing the latter, although not totally completely wreckless as one cannot hope to finish a bucket list if one if too wreckless in the pursuit. This is my early morning attempt at humor. My kids don't always get my humor, but I know I AM funny!

My desire is to travel even more. Although our military moves and family visits have taken us through almost all 50 states, we were driving with the destination in mind and didn't really experience very many of them. Now that I've had a taste of international travel... Oh, the places I'll go!  Feeling inspired, I also want to cook Julia Child's Beef Bourguignon and finally become a published author! Oh and, I've always longed to dance like the stars! I bought this Ballroom Dancing for Dummies DVD years ago and it's calling my name! Of course there will be tons of pictures to document everything!

My reality is, that even with a tropical paradise just outside my window and everything back home in the hands of loving friends, it's 4:30am and I can't sleep. My mind won't stay asleep for long and once it awakens, it wonders will today be a bad headache day? I try not to let the headaches get me down. I tell myself they are signs of healing, but at times my thoughts drift to what if it they are signs it has returned and spread...  I lay in bed and wonder what can I accomplish today? What needs to be done? No, accomplishments and needs sound too much like work and I'm here to relax. How can i squeeze every ounce of joy from this day? Well, not wasting another moment of it sleeping is a start. I'll get a pedicure. I'm going to rewrite our Christmas letter after breakfast, tossing the hastily composed copies I brought with me in favor of something more creative. Then, I'm going to swim in the ocean. Tonight, more one on one time with my main squeeze! No doubt, I simply must buy a couple more Hawaiian dresses! Hawaiian dresses are the epitomes of carefree, comfort, bright rainbow color, and giddy cheerfulness! In other words... Joyful Wreckless Abandon!

Cancer creates unlikely bonds and emotions run deep.

Yesterday, in the hallway of our lodging facility, I met a young soldier who works with my husband. He introduced himself as Nathan and said he had something for me. It seemed awkward to me that he was anxious to unlock his door and retrieve something for me since we had just met. I looked up at Jeff to see if he had a clue... and he nodded. It was then that the teary eyed soldier returned with a small quilt in his arms. I knew immediately that it was known as a Chemo blanket that I'd heard about. I'm told that cancer patients get cold during treatment. He began to share why this little quilt was special to him and why he wanted me to have it. As he shared his cancer story with me I learned he is a three year survivor of testicular cancer. Five years is supposed to be the "safe" time frame, but no guarantee. Then as he handed it to me he added that it came with lots of prayers already and he would continue to pray for me as well. There are no words to adequately describe how grateful I am that he chose to pass this quilt, all the love sewn into it, and all the prayers prayed over it, on to me. God knew this trip wasn't about forgetting  I have cancer, but about embracing it. Yes, embracing it, for all the good it can spread. For the encouragement, compassion, and testimonials of strength and healing it can spread around when even strangers meet. God bless the Nathan's of this world.

Appointment Overload and Other Stuff

This has been a hard update to write for many reasons. I remain optimistic and find something to laugh about each day, but as treatment is drawing near, I am afraid some anxiety is setting in. More and more appointments are being made so our color coded calendar is beginning to look a lot like Christmas!

The thought of my green radiation mask pinning me down 5 days a week haunts me. I don't know how I am supposed to sit still for 5 hours at a time on Mondays for chemo. I have received many books to read and of course will have my electronics; but still my legs will be antsy to get up and walk. One can only play Words With Friends for so long. My mind will be racing with all the things I "should" be doing. My heart will ache for all the loved ones I would rather be spending time with. Yet I know, before this is over, my treatment team will be like a second family to me.

Since Oct. 1st when I saw my ENT, I have had over a dozen appointments, sometimes with 2 or 3 in a day.  Over the course of the next 3 months I will have well over 50 more, including 3 appointments on my way home from the airport Dec 18th as I return from 10 days of pre-treatment relaxation in Hawaii. On that day, I will have another surgical follow-up where they will once again pull scar tissue from my sinuses to clear my airway until it feels as if brain matter or my eyeball will come out my nose! Next, I will get my PICC line in my arm for the chemo and blood draws; and finally, I will have my hearing tested for a baseline because the type of chemo I am getting (Cisplatin) can cause me to lose my hearing. Good thing I know and love ASL. I am hoping to finally RELAX in Hawaii as I have been cleaning, organizing, crafting, and in general doing way too much these past few weeks in preparation for my treatment and so that everything is as ready as it can be for Christmas. I have a few more boxes to mail yet. The Christmas letter is a must and will be postmarked Honolulu! There won't be as many decorations this year, but some will get put up. Hopefully the kids will help me make peanut butter fudge this year because I promised the wonderful ladies at the Rainier Post Office some when I get back. I know I will need all my strength to fight through chemo and radiation in the weeks to come; but I also know myself well enough that if I don't get some of this stuff done now, it will drive me CRAZY.

Oh, and I got the go ahead to exercise as much as I want now! My cauterizations have healed enough. They tell me that exercise will help fight the fatigue that the chemo and radiation will cause so I am taking the stand that it is a win, win. The team also says now is a good time to hire some housework done for the next few months, but that is proving difficult. And this may sound weird, but I am a bit excitedly anxious to file our taxes for this year because we get boo coo medical deductions plus a total of 4 kids to deduct!

Lately, I have had a few really bad headaches and been on the verge of tears as I work on photo albums or talk about my family; but overall, I am full of gratitude and optimism. His mighty hand has continued to close and open doors that are showing me a time of healing is upon me. As we prepare to say goodbye to our lil man who has been with us 19mo. now, we realize that it really is true... He will never give us more than we can handle. There was a time when I could handle 6 kids in the house with 4 under the age of 4... but that was then.

It's all different now.

Just Some of the Awesome Comments From Facebook

 I'm so very grateful for all the prayers, especially the prayers, and there are literally dozens more posts proclaiming prayer; but I'm also thankful for all the encouraging words and inspirational shared journeys from my family and friends across the globe. I am copying some of them here for all to see and so I can return to them easily for a fresh uplifting!  

Hope Lyon

I want you to know that I'm very happy to have a mother whose outlook on the scariest moment our family has confronted with, that you have a positive outlook and that I don't have to worry about your faith. It's comforting having a mother who is so secure in her faith that she isn't allowing it to bring her down. Sometimes I feel like I'm worrying about it more than you or that it hasn't hit you yet. But the more I talk with my small group about insecurities and how they look different to everyone I've come to the realization that were more alike than I'd like to admit sometimes. Tonight we were in proverbs and the verse we discussed was "she is clothed with strength and dignity" proverbs 31:25 and we were asked if we know anyone who displays that verse. And it was you. I love you mom.

Jean Farmer
I totally understand and I am having a hard time with the cancer issue also. Just wish I wasn't so far away . At a time like this a mother should be able to take her daughter n her arms and comfort her and try to ease her mind

Siena Lindemann

Dear Kelly, I was so sorry to hear about your cancer! You are strong and wise and able to laugh and you will be healed, in whatever way you need it most. Remember we all reside in the palm of His Hand and His grace is with us most when we need him most.

 Gina Shepherd Hey Kelly, I pray for you everyday! Ive been fighting cancer for 9 years now, and I want tou to know what you are going through is normal. I felt the same way and went through the exact same thing you are going through when I was first diagnosed. Honey, I still get emotional and frustrated and all that, but we will get through, God has not left my side not one day nor hour nor milisecond. Just keep your eyes on him! I focus on this scripture all the time, Jer. 29:11....Phil:4:13 and also the joy of the lord is my strength, uumm this is the day that the lord has made so I will rejoice and be glad in it! Also know that in this 9 years God has provided for me, I have not gone without, and I was a single mom for most of this time...It will be ok.. We are all standing with with you sista. And yes you will be healed cuz it says by His stripes we are healed! And we claim and recieve that in Jesus name! We are also thankful for what He xoes in our lives, providing friends, church, jobs, strength, hope, faith, families..and Ya keep hanging in there! Gods got a plan for you and im excited to see whats in store! I love you dear friend and do know, its ok what you are feeling ok! Hugs always! Praying for you!

 Lisa Crutchfield Wise You got this kelly. Your not solo Gods beside you all the way!!

 Johanna Lee From the moment I met you.. I could not help but sense your strength...and I second the last person's comment, you are never alone... You got this!!!

 Lesa Benningfield I think it's so great that you show people these things. When we hear "cancer," we know it's bad, we worry, we know the person is sick, but we have know idea all the other things they go through. It helps people understand that cancer is more than just feeling sick. It is endless appointments, test, ups and downs, driving, changing family schedules and plans etc. It's worth it. God is on your side.

 TerriAnn Hawkeswood You are a brave and beautifully spirited lady...and I love the costume!

 Dani Martin If you are feeling up to it, one of these times when you are in Federal Way, you should let me know and maybe we could do coffee. Only if you are feeling up to it though, of course.

 Tricia Uchytil If you ever need someone to go with you, just ask.

 Michelle Batherson Mayer I get anxiety just looking at those pictures. I can't imagine....you are handling like a Rock star. sending good thoughts, prayers, and hugs.

 Cecilia Conrad I love your positive attitude, Kelly! You are inspiring...continuing to pray for you.

 Vicki Vangel Fox You definitely got this! Tons of prayers bring lifted up on your behalf! !

Chuck Stewart No doubt, this will be a difficult journey. Maybe one of the most difficult things is letting people give to you. I know you are a giver yourself and I think that makes it even more difficult to be a "receiver", but by doing so, you allow those closest to you to share your journey. Praying for you. Lotsa love.

 Karen Comerford Toland Prayers to you my friend...you are a strong woman and with God by your side you can do anything

 Patricia A Krank Hmmm . . . I have a Google profile but it still doesn't seem to take it. My computer is kindafunky though. Anyways, regarding your blog post, maybe what your feeling is another stage in the process? I'm sorry for all of the emotional ups and downs, for all of the physical pain. I'm sorry that you even have to do this! I admire your honesty and your courage my friend. Keep writing Love & hugs, P.

Emily Hill Kelly, I've got an article I'll dig up and share with you if you're up to reading. It describes what you're feeling perfectly. And your emotions are totally normal. Your reactions are your own, there is no right or wrong.

 Lori Chappell Praying throughout the day for you...Heavenly Father please be with the drs and guide their hands as the perform this surgery I pray that they too will rely on you and not on themselves...I pray that you wrap your loving comforting arms around Kelly Jeffrey Richards Murray and the family during this trying time Lord I ask all this in Jesus precious name.. Amen...love ya cuz!!

Kim Newman · Friends with Andrea Murray

I am praying, too. May the God of peace and strength, flood your heart and mind today.

Dana Chappell Jackson I read that you also sing Jesus love me when you're scared...I do too..especially at the dentist or MRI...even though I am asleep at the dentist he says I sing the song...lol..

Laura Smith Parvi HE has you in the palm of His hand and He will never let you walk alone!

Linda Hiber Bales I found soft instramental Christian praise and worship music the best! When I was in my process, I lived in Rainer as well! I loved after everyone was asleep standing out side and looking at the night sky. I would pray and cry or whatever I needed openly as everyone else was a sleep. It was such comfort to look up and know the God who made the heavens and earth and ME, already has a plan in motion. It is happening NOW. To relax and know no matter the plan, no matter the process there is not one piece of this He does not know. Just knowing that made it easier as there is nothing for us to do or say to change the out come. The difference is He will never leave you or forsake you. You are so loved and thought of on this journey ...>>>HUGS<<<

Wanda Stewart This is AWESOME news! I love it when God defies the odds!!

 Lee Boeder God loves you!!! So so I and my family!!

Beth N John Halverson We serve an awesome God. None of His Promises have EVER failed. He loves you. I love you, too, friend!! -b

 Rosalie Fritsch Praying for you and your family. God is faithful throughout this journey if you call upon him in every step you will need to take. I know this to be true and YOUR prayers will be for God to comfort your family as they struggle through this. I found it was harder on my family than on me. Believe in the miracle of healing!

 Lori Ralls You are surrounded by the prayers of so many who love you. As I read your story I think about the gracious woman that you are. Keep pointing people to the God of all Grace my friend. Love you (...I left this as a comment on you blog post but it didn't put my name)

Jodi Hahn-Smith Praying that you're surrounded by God's love and strength and most importantly his healing! You're such an incredible woman who has given to so many! You have shined your light into so many lives and will continue to! As you know so many are praying for you. Rest in the comfort of those prayers! Now is the time you don't have to be strong but lean on those that love you most!

Janis Moore you are healedl in Jesus name

Ron N Kathy Wright Your writing is sweet, honest and beautiful, just like you! Know you and the family are in our prayers during this difficult time. Love you!! -Kat & Ron

Elsie Marie Mendham Enjoy your time together

Diane Bergt You are in my prayers, dear Kelly. Thank you for sharing and letting us in.